


is this vicissitude? because i actually didn't want to die

by ziin



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Suicide Attempt, am i really doing this i am huh, fffff dont expect too much from me please, i just love this ship okay, ill tag as i go - Freeform, oh gosh what am i doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:07:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25329016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziin/pseuds/ziin
Summary: In which someone actually gives a fuck about Envy's (almost) suicide.or, just another "what if" envy didn't kill himself and Edward takes him in fanfiction.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Envy
Comments: 17
Kudos: 49





	is this vicissitude? because i actually didn't want to die

**Author's Note:**

> Envy is referred to here with he/him pronouns because i _think_ thats how he perceives himself. but i do stan genderless envy.

"You're ugly. Envy The Jealous, you're nothing more than an ugly thing."

The sudden pressure of Mustang's foot on top of his fragile body comes painfully.

He is being crushed and for once in his eternal life, Envy fears there is no escape from his enemies this time.

He struggles weakly under the weight of Mustang's boot, fights against the pain threatening to burst out of him in the form of wretched tears. It is humiliating. This, squirming under the leather sole, being looked down upon by unrelenting stares, being reduced to nothing but a helpless worm.

But isn't that a funny thought? In this state, he is mere vermin, the very thing he had considered humans to be. Humanity is stupid, humanity is worthless, humanity is weak.

But Envy is _disgusting_.

He hates this. He hates being so powerless, he hates being in pain, he hates being looked at like _he_ is an amusing sight. Being watched as he squirms and crawls and cries in this horrid form - he hates it, hates it, _hates it_.

This was _not_ how this fight was supposed to go. He was _Envy_ and he was supposed to crush these insignificant humans to the floor, step over them in victory and malicious glee, laugh at their desperate attempts to survive. Instead, he cowers and is pushed down into the dirty floor. Down to the place where no dignity resides and all mercy is strung.

Mustang presses down harder, lifts a single, gloved hand in mute warning.

The phantom pain of Envy's previously burning eyes resurfaces and he widens them in fear, knowing well that a single snap of the human's fingers could ignite an inferno of pain for him, convulsions wrecking through his small, repulsive green body until his red core rebuilds scorched bones and melted skin, only to be burnt again and again and again and again and again.

_No_ , Envy's eyes plead.

He doesn't want to feel pain, he doesn't, he really _doesn't_ -

"No, I don't want to die!" The words flee his mouth before he can grant them permission.

"I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die!" he repeats over and over again.

He is begging and he hates it. But crude fear is pushing and pulling his thoughts, twisting reason in a frantic frenzy of panic.

The girl soldier, the arrogant Hawk's Eye, points a gun to Mustang's head, asks him to stop his attack on Envy. She halts his imminent death.

Envy feels in that moment only the hot intensity of Mustang's glare, ignited by a vengeful desire and fueled by effervescent fury. This human was simmering in bloodlust, prepared to succumb to its tendrils and be swallowed by its gaping mouth.

Envy was no safer from escaping its wrath than Mustang himself, but the one that would suffer the physical effect was Envy and Envy _hated_ pain. Hadn't he had gone through enough already?

Hawkeye is talking, Envy is not listening. He's crying, trembling, trying to escape.

_I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die._

"Mustang. That’s _enough_."

Envy is suddenly flung from the ground to Edward's waiting hand, and the tight squeeze almost makes him choke.

Edward's voice is firm, so unlike Envy's own quivering one, and he stands golden and confident, dignified where Envy is vile, strong where Envy is weak, admirable where Envy is _pitiable_. He is everything and Envy is nothing.

His command came unexpectedly and takes Envy by complete surprise. The pipsqueak's grasp feels more secure than the floor and the sole did seconds ago, but he is still crying tears of fear and chanting his mantra in his mind.

He hates himself for being so dependent on the pity of these _humans._ He's sick of this, hates this situation, hates himself. And Edward? Fuck does Envy hate him too.

The golden boy Edward, who is now talking on Envy's behalf as if he knows him as if he could truly understand him as if he actually _cares_ about Envy.

"Envy, you're jealous of humans." He says it with such a firm voice, confident that there is no other explanation, no other possible reason for a Homunculus to hate humanity. But his expression - his _expression_.

Envy loathes that expression, a mien of crude sincerity and _pity_. Oh, how he wishes - _aches_ \- to crush that puny body of his and snatch away the look on his eyes, the furrow of his brows. Fuck the human boy, fuck his insolence, fuck his disgusting words.

Envy wheezes in air, sheds another set of thick, wet tears. He glares.

But Edward is right, isn't he?

His words strike directly at Envy's immortal heart. Jealous of humans, he said? Envy loathes to admit it, would _never_ admit, not out loud at least, but he can not deny the sharp, gruesome feeling of anger and pain. Jealousy. Envy.  
  
Humans are stupid, humans are weak, but humans have family, have feelings of happiness and fulfillment and belonging. Humans fall and get the fuck back up again. Humans _live_. Envy just doesn't die.

He has carried an existence of drunk amusement in the disguise of fake skins, pretending to be one of the pathetic humans while playing tricks on them and hoping the fun would never end. He has thrived in the misery of others for years without realizing he had become a nobody without a reason for existing other than following Father's commands.

Envy's existence was going to be erased, with no one caring, no one even remembering who he was.

This couldn't be how it ended. It just _couldn't_.

He gathers the last of his wits and spouts an angry rant at the humans that have gathered, the ones that are looking down at him and it's so much, its fucking _humiliating._

_Get angry! Come on! Turn on each other like all you humans love doing! Come on, come on, come on!_

They stare. They just _stare._

"Envy…"

No.

Nononononononononono.

He claws at Edward's fingers and falls down onto the floor. The humans stare at him as he gathers himself, they stare at him as he crawls a meager foot away from the fullmetal, they stare at him as he sheds tears of fear and, above all, _humiliation_.

Envy refuses to be protected by humans. He refuses to be pitied. He refuses to be killed by their hand.

He turns to look at the boy, stares at his molten gold eyes. He will not take it.  
  
He opens his mouth and shoves his hands inside, deep down inside until he feels his very entrails, and _pulls_. The red philosopher's stone that propels his body, anchors his soul, comes to light.  
  
Edward Elric's eyes widen, sudden comprehension lighting them up.  
  
Envy is done.

He says goodbye.  
  
But then Edward Elric smashes the stone back inside.

**Author's Note:**

> I changed the sequence of events a bit but well
> 
> also I wrote this because i was feeling high on the feels of the episode and love envy and and and  
> tell me what you think. I havent posted stuff in like 7 years. lets all hope i update this at some point, preferable soon lmfao.


End file.
